Monday, August 10, 2009

Dear Mr. Tony Groups: I hope you are not annoyed


Dear Mr. Tony Groups:I received the scam email about your ‘banking project’ last night. I hope that you’re not annoyed, but honestly? I felt like you phoned it in. The scam field is crowded these days, and you really do need to make more of an effort to stand out.

I’m sending it back to you with a few suggestions and a new campaign concept: Vampires!
Have you heard about the huge popularity of Vampires? It's the zeitgeist of the century! I'm confident this new direction will greatly improve your response rate.

Like Dr. Ogechi Martins, who I believe is a colleague of yours, you have chosen to write YOUR ORIGINAL LETTER IN CAPS. I'm not all for caps, frankly, BUT I HAVE LEFT IT AS IS. My suggestions are in red [and my comments are in blue.]

***

TONY GROUPS, Esq. & ASSOCIATE
130 BANK ANTHONY WAY
ARAD, ROMANIA

[NOTE: I changed your Nigerian town to a Romanian one. Trust me on this: Nigeria and vampires is a non-starter for most people. I also added Esq. to your name. It has a certain flair.]
Dear Partner and friend of paranormal creatures,
Good day, firstly, I apologize for sending you this sensitive information via e-mail instead of a Certified mail/Post-mail. This is due to the urgency of the information, and because my client is extremely powerful and unaccumstomed to waiting. [NOTE: You see? We start right off building the mystique.]
I humbly crave your indulgence to read this e-mail with all seriousness of purpose because this project is based on Trust and the fact that you are an open-minded person who understands the unique problems of paranormal individuals. [NOTE: Just a numbers game, Mr. Groups. You'll probably hit 1 out of 20 who has read a vampire book or seen a vampire movie or TV show lately.]
My name is Mr. Tony Groups, a solicitor and personal attorney to the handsome and charismatic vampire Quendin Babos, who - well let me put it this way: most people believe he died in the Tsunami disaster on 26th December 2004 while on vacation in Thailand. In truth, he died 792 years ago, but he stages his own death every so often, because otherwise people would wonder why he doesn't grow old.
[This is a common problem for vampires - I feel it lends a good deal of verisimilitude, don't you? Not sure about the name Quendin Babos, but I left it. For future scams, I have a book recommendation for you: the White pages.]
Six years ago, My Client, Quendin Babos, who has jet black hair, sculpted cheeks, brilliant blue eyes and a cruel, cold smile [Rowrrr!] successfully executed a top secret contract for the Federal Government of Albania {FGA} singlehandedly fighting hordes of ancient zombies who had risen up out of an ancient cave and had been preying on the populace. This contract was worth US$19.3 million dollars. A part payment of USD9.million dollars was paid to my client, who roams the earth fighting evil, though nothing will bring back his beloved Zenthasia, who he lost in 1497. [it's called the tortured hero, dude. Readers can resist this murky savings deposit blather, but a tortured hero? Hello.]
However, the balance of USD10.3 million Dollars was still unpaid before my client pretended he died in the Indian Ocean Tsunami disaster and assumed his new identity: Anastasio Mikos. [NOTE: Don't you totally like my name better?]
All my efforts to locate the possible next of kin proved abortive though naturally I was just pretending--the money must go to Mikos himself.
NOW THE CRUX OF THIS E-LETTER is that Mikos is coming to your region of America to start a new life. As luck would have it, the new elected Government of Albania started fully paying all foreign Contractors who have successfully executed their contracts and, needless to say, Mikos is enraged about the timing and naturally, he wants access to the money. Too bad he "died." Oh privately, I do worry about him, and wonder if anybody out there could possibly sooth the inflamed passions of this charming and dangerous rogue. [NOTE: do you see where I'm going with this Mr. Groups? It's called thinking outside of the box! Also, as one copywriter to another, I hope you appreciate my sneaky use of inflamed.]
As his personal attorney/Adviser, his bank has officially notified and instructed me to forward particulars of my client's next of kin within the next 14 official working days so that he/she can be paid. We feel it would simplify things if an American woman who is sympathetic to the problems of vampires would pose as the widow of Quendin Babos, and then go on to marry Mikos who are, as you can see, one in the same. Otherwise the outstanding USD10.3 Million dollars payment will be diverted to the government coffers account as unclaimed bill.
I decided to contact you for a deal so that you and Mikos can work together as a team to remit the money to your account as his next of kin since I do not want to seat and watch my client hard earned entitlement to go astray, Mikos feels it will be easy for you to achieve; furthermore, Mikos has seen your photo, and you look exactly like his beloved dead Zenthusia, but please think nothing of it. I have every confidence that will not complicate things. [Not!]
Although I know that a transaction of this magnitude might make anyone apprehensive but I would like to assure you that Mikos will be a perfect gentleman, and split the money with you. I am proposing this project to you with the best of intensions. As a lawyer, I have the power to secure all the necessary legal documents that will be used for this claim. Though you will have to make the wedding appear legal so that Mikos can gain full citizenship. He promises not to ravish you, and not to bite the tender flesh of your thigh or neck in the throes of ectasy thereby spiralling you into an orgasm such as you have never experienced. [NOTE: just a little thing called reverse psychology, my friend.]
All I require from you is your honest co-operation to enable us see this deal through. And perhaps a modicum of understanding afforded Mikos, especially if he attempts to ravish you without warning, unable to control his fearsome passions which you alone bring out, and then retreats into a stew of violent self hatred for upsetting the only one he's ever loved, forcing you to spend your free time soothing his handsome, stormy brow instead of, say, chatting on Twitter. [NOTE: you like my Twitter touch? I mean, please, Mr. Groups, who wouldn't go for this?]
I guarantee that this transaction will be executed under a Legitimate banking arrangement that will protect you from any breach of law. And frankly, if you do have trouble from the cops, well, I have no doubt Mikos would be happy to hypnotize them. Incidentally, this is a handy trick if you want to stop smoking, lose weight, or if you have any upcoming root canals. [Shades of Ronco--But that's not all—there’s more! Are you loving it, Mr. Groups?]
Upon successful conclusion of this project, you will be compensated with 40% of the total fund, while 60% will be for Mikos.
If you are interested to work with Mikos in this deal then kindly reply strictly to my email with your personal telephone/fax number for effective communication and oral clarification on how to proceed next. [not sure what you're getting at with the oral clarification, but what the hell, let's go with it!]
Sincerely yours,
Mr. Tony Groups
{Legal Adviser}

39 comments:

Blodeuedd said...

Haha omg loving this!
Feel like sending them an email ;)

Blodeuedd said...

Btw, hope you don't mind if I borrow this and post on another blog, gotta share the fun

Carolyn Crane (aka CJ) said...

Blo: Oh, thanks for the kind words! And sure I don't mind if you repost with a linkback! Very flattering!!!

Hilcia said...

Muahaha.... On your post!

But, but, but... you have GOT to be kiddin' me... ^^

Jenre said...

Hee! Very funny CJ. Love how you have managed to send up all the vampire tropes.

Thanks, I needed the laugh :).

Carolyn Crane (aka CJ) said...

Hilcia & Jenre - thanks! I was feeling a bit silly last night, I guess!

Chris said...

Brilliant! A fresh new voice in the genre of form letter spam!

Nicola O. said...

CJ: Have I told you lately that I love you?

Sarai said...

OMG this is why I heart you CJ LOL thank you I needed the laugh!

azteclady said...

These people so should hire you!

Seriously, woman!!!!

Carolyn said...

Oh, so funny and my two fav vampires,too! (Spike and my One True Love, Eric Northman).

Thank you.

Blodeuedd said...

Posted and it was a success at once :)
I am still laughing.

Carolyn Crane (aka CJ) said...

Chris: LOL. I'm sure my mom would be so proud.

Nicola: Oh,you are so funny! Back at you!

Sarai: LOL. I'm glad.

AZ: I'll do it!

Carolyn: I am SO with you on the blond vamps!

BLO: Oh, cool! I have to go visit! Thanks!!

Karen W. said...

Thanks for the laugh! Great job! :)

sula said...

ok, YOU my dear are craaazy. and i LOVE it! :)

if only they took your advice, spam would be way more entertaining.

SciFiGuy said...

Well done. Pity you can't really send it to him - you would only encourage him.

orannia said...

Truly inspiring CJ! I love it!

And wouldn't the spam be way more fun to read if it included a little Spike...or perhaps that should be a lot of Spike *grin*

Renee said...

My guy and I are both totally cracking up, CC/CJ!

It has all the makings of a Silhouette Nocturne.

Bravo!

Barbara said...

LMAO!! OMG, Carolyn, seriously, you've got to be the funniest and most brilliant person ever! You make me laugh like no one's business, lol!!! That was great!

Sarah said...

God you're funny. ehehehe.

writtenwyrdd said...

Hahahaha! This is great!

Kris said...

LOL!!! If only me SPAM was that interesting I might read it before deleting it.

Katiebabs a.k.a KB said...

CJ, you may have a future writing email scams that people will want to read.

Lea said...

CJ: I.... OMG my jaw is hanging open after spewing my lunch...

You have a brilliant mind woman!!

Still laughing and spewing.

Thank you...

I bow to your greatness... This one is a re-read...

L

Tumperkin said...

wuv yoo, CJ.

Kaetrin said...

Loved it! thank you for a laugh first thing in my morning!

Kris said...

I'm thanking God right now I put down my coffee before I started reading this. KB's right; I think you have a new career on your hands, CJ.

I'm glad you left in 'oral clarification', btw. I'm thinking it might be a reference to Mikos' bite test.

Donna (Fantasy Dreamer) said...

Love it! This is great, you have an awesome imagination. Just awesome!

Jill Sorenson said...

Tony Groups, boo! What a failure of imagination on his part. You schooled him, CC.

Nice vamp pics, too. Love Spike. Brad Pitt, so veiny and tortured! I'm wooed.

Rebecca Baumann said...

Hi Carolyn - Excellent parody! I loved it, although my favorite line is part of the original letter,

"I DO NOT WANT TO SEAT AND WATCH MY CLIENT HARD EARNED ENTITLEMENT TO GO ASTRAY"

Um, hello, who thinks that this kind of grammar would really come from a bona fide lawyer? If he writes like this, I say run for the hills, idiota!

Darla D said...

Where do I send my money? I'm so in. This Mikos guy sounds totally hot. And yes, I think that perhaps in another life my name was Zenthusia. I'm faxing you with my number so I can get that...intriguing...oral clarification...

:-)

Thanks for brightening up my day!

Kwana said...

So much easier to pony up the money now. LOL.

lustyreader said...

that was awesome times 10. vampires are sooo hot right now Mr. Groups! get on that bandwagon!

and the pictures made it exponentially bigger. *applause*

Rosie said...

Apparently I'm the last person in America to see this... very funny and clever.

Sheila (bookjourney) said...

Ok Thats fantastic! I like waking up to these kind of blog posts - and for the record, if I received this email? I would be asking,

"Where do I sign?" LOL

Tracy said...

roflmao. CJ you are definitely one of a kind! That was great.

Elena said...

This is my first time ever visiting your website and I laughed soooo hard over this. So clever and well thought out and I'm just really impressed!

Carolyn Crane said...

Oh, thanks so much you guys! I am so grateful all of you stopped by and commented.

J.T. Oldfield said...

damn. too bad I'm already married.