Dear Mr. Tony Groups: I hope you are not annoyed

Dear Mr. Tony Groups:I received the scam email about your ‘banking project’ last night. I hope that you’re not annoyed, but honestly? I felt like you phoned it in. The scam field is crowded these days, and you really do need to make more of an effort to stand out.

I’m sending it back to you with a few suggestions and a new campaign concept: Vampires!
Have you heard about the huge popularity of Vampires? It's the zeitgeist of the century! I'm confident this new direction will greatly improve your response rate.

Like Dr. Ogechi Martins, who I believe is a colleague of yours, you have chosen to write YOUR ORIGINAL LETTER IN CAPS. I'm not all for caps, frankly, BUT I HAVE LEFT IT AS IS. My suggestions are in red [and my comments are in blue.]

***
TONY GROUPS, Esq. & ASSOCIATE
130 BANK ANTHONY WAY
ARAD, ROMANIA

[NOTE: I changed your Nigerian town to a Romanian one. Trust me on this: Nigeria and vampires is a non-starter for most people. I also added Esq. to your name. It has a certain flair.]

Dear Partner and friend of paranormal creatures,

Good day, firstly, I apologize for sending you this sensitive information via e-mail instead of a Certified mail/Post-mail. This is due to the urgency of the information, and because my client is extremely powerful and unaccumstomed to waiting. [NOTE: You see? We start right off building the mystique.]

I humbly crave your indulgence to read this e-mail with all seriousness of purpose because this project is based on Trust and the fact that you are an open-minded person who understands the unique problems of paranormal individuals. [NOTE: Just a numbers game, Mr. Groups. You'll probably hit 1 out of 20 who has read a vampire book or seen a vampire movie or TV show lately.]

My name is Mr. Tony Groups, a solicitor and personal attorney to the handsome and charismatic vampire Quendin Babos, who - well let me put it this way: most people believe he died in the Tsunami disaster on 26th December 2004 while on vacation in Thailand. In truth, he died 792 years ago, but he stages his own death every so often, because otherwise people would wonder why he doesn't grow old.

[This is a common problem for vampires - I feel it lends a good deal of verisimilitude, don't you? Not sure about the name Quendin Babos, but I left it. For future scams, I have a book recommendation for you: the White pages.]

Six years ago, My Client, Quendin Babos, who has jet black hair, sculpted cheeks, brilliant blue eyes and a cruel, cold smile [Rowrrr!] successfully executed a top secret contract for the Federal Government of Albania {FGA} singlehandedly fighting hordes of ancient zombies who had risen up out of an ancient cave and had been preying on the populace. This contract was worth US$19.3 million dollars. A part payment of USD9.million dollars was paid to my client, who roams the earth fighting evil, though nothing will bring back his beloved Zenthasia, who he lost in 1497. [it's called the tortured hero, dude. Readers can resist this murky savings deposit blather, but a tortured hero? Hello.]

However, the balance of USD10.3 million Dollars was still unpaid before my client pretended he died in the Indian Ocean Tsunami disaster and assumed his new identity: Anastasio Mikos. [NOTE: Don't you totally like my name better?]

All my efforts to locate the possible next of kin proved abortive though naturally I was just pretending--the money must go to Mikos himself.

NOW THE CRUX OF THIS E-LETTER is that Mikos is coming to your region of America to start a new life. As luck would have it, the new elected Government of Albania started fully paying all foreign Contractors who have successfully executed their contracts and, needless to say, Mikos is enraged about the timing and naturally, he wants access to the money. Too bad he "died." Oh privately, I do worry about him, and wonder if anybody out there could possibly sooth the inflamed passions of this charming and dangerous rogue. [NOTE: do you see where I'm going with this Mr. Groups? It's called thinking outside of the box! Also, as one copywriter to another, I hope you appreciate my sneaky use of inflamed.]

As his personal attorney/Adviser, his bank has officially notified and instructed me to forward particulars of my client's next of kin within the next 14 official working days so that he/she can be paid. We feel it would simplify things if an American woman who is sympathetic to the problems of vampires would pose as the widow of Quendin Babos, and then go on to marry Mikos who are, as you can see, one in the same. Otherwise the outstanding USD10.3 Million dollars payment will be diverted to the government coffers account as unclaimed bill.

I decided to contact you for a deal so that you and Mikos can work together as a team to remit the money to your account as his next of kin since I do not want to seat and watch my client hard earned entitlement to go astray, Mikos feels it will be easy for you to achieve; furthermore, Mikos has seen your photo, and you look exactly like his beloved dead Zenthusia, but please think nothing of it. I have every confidence that will not complicate things. [Not!]

Although I know that a transaction of this magnitude might make anyone apprehensive but I would like to assure you that Mikos will be a perfect gentleman, and split the money with you. I am proposing this project to you with the best of intensions. As a lawyer, I have the power to secure all the necessary legal documents that will be used for this claim. Though you will have to make the wedding appear legal so that Mikos can gain full citizenship. He promises not to ravish you, and not to bite the tender flesh of your thigh or neck in the throes of ectasy thereby spiralling you into an orgasm such as you have never experienced. [NOTE: just a little thing called reverse psychology, my friend.]

All I require from you is your honest co-operation to enable us see this deal through. And perhaps a modicum of understanding afforded Mikos, especially if he attempts to ravish you without warning, unable to control his fearsome passions which you alone bring out, and then retreats into a stew of violent self hatred for upsetting the only one he's ever loved, forcing you to spend your free time soothing his handsome, stormy brow instead of, say, chatting on Twitter. [NOTE: you like my Twitter touch? I mean, please, Mr. Groups, who wouldn't go for this?]

I guarantee that this transaction will be executed under a Legitimate banking arrangement that will protect you from any breach of law. And frankly, if you do have trouble from the cops, well, I have no doubt Mikos would be happy to hypnotize them. Incidentally, this is a handy trick if you want to stop smoking, lose weight, or if you have any upcoming root canals. [Shades of Ronco--But that's not all—there’s more! Are you loving it, Mr. Groups?]

Upon successful conclusion of this project, you will be compensated with 40% of the total fund, while 60% will be for Mikos.

If you are interested to work with Mikos in this deal then kindly reply strictly to my email with your personal telephone/fax number for effective communication and oral clarification on how to proceed next. [not sure what you're getting at with the oral clarification, but what the hell, let's go with it!]

Sincerely yours,

Mr. Tony Groups

{Legal Adviser}