Monday, December 23, 2013

The 13 holiday gifts you must not buy for werewolves under any circumstances!

 It is not easy to buy gifts for paranormals - especially werewolves. While they are typically polite about accepting items they don't like, quietly returning them when you're not around, some gifts that can upset them greatly, and should be avoided at all costs.

Hopefully this post, which I have reprised in part from the Christmas past, will help.

Do NOT give your werewolf friends and family the following gifts:

1. Any chia pet in the shape of a canine. Deeply offensive to the werewolf psyche.

2. A Friendship bracelet that you worked really hard on, that the werewolf must never take off, and you'll be really mad if they lose it. Because they will! 

3. The complete 5-volume Dog Whisperer DVD set featuring Cesar Millan. A werewolf will instantly rip it apart.

4. Nature's Sense Aromatherapy patchouli-scented Joy candles. Due to the werewolf's keen sense of smell, such a gift is not joyful. Plus, patchouli.

5. Actually, any heavily scented products are poor gift choices for werewolves.

6. Ten-hour video set of the historic Apollo 11 Lunar Landing. This type of close-up non-stop full moon footage can be overstimulating to werewolves, and lead to destruction of furnishings and upholstery and also set off howling that can result in noise complaints from the neighbors.

7. Road Runner vs. Wiley Coyote cartoon DVD set. (Not even as a joke, unless you hated your TV set anyway.)

8. Joy of yodelling CD. (Gets werewolves riled up, not in a good way.)

9. A surprise pre-paid trip to the dentist to get all cavities filled with silver fillings.

10. The clapper, or worse, if you helpfully change all their lights over to operation by the clapper. This is not something that the werewolf in your life will find at all helpful .

11. Rogaine.

12. The Slanket. While this gift may be exciting and attractive to your comfort-loving werewolf friend, it is actually very restrictive, and when it comes to shifting form unexpectedly, BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN.

. The Miau Kitty Christmas Carol album: definitely NOT a recommended buy for werewolves this holiday season.

Do not under ANY circumstances purchase this music CD for a werewolf. 

Best gifts for a werewolf: 

1. Subscription to "venison of the month" club. Helpful hint: in the box where it asks for delivery instructions for postal carrier, write: throw onto doorstep; do not carry to door and ring bell.

2. Ultra-whitening toothpaste for an extra scary effect out on the hunting trail. Rawr!

3. A fabulous book to read while waiting for the next full moon. Might I suggest:

• Seven Steps to Impressing Your Friends With a Truly Vicious Snarl:  Workbook edition with facial muscle exercises
 The Secret Lives of Rabbits: Your Next Meal May Be Closer Than You Think
• Or, of course: Off the Edge, my awesome new romantic suspense, which is now live at AmazonBarnes & Noble, and ARE.  Because what werewolf wouldn't want to read about a sexy, badass secret agent-linguistics expert?

Hey, happy holidays everyone! I hope you have a cozy, safe holiday full of your favorite people and favorite books.

1 comment:

KB/KT Grant said...

I'm still bitter I never got a Chia Pet for the holidays :(