Consumer complaint department

Okay, I am getting a little creeped out by the many banner ads featuring FACES STARING AT ME through my computer. Like that Lasik one with the eyes? Yikes.

Even this guy to the right. He looks nice enough, but hey, please, stop staring! It gets so I feel like my computer has eyes.

The most disturbing new breed of staring faces, though, are the wrinkle cream and botox ads. It freaks me out to watch these woman staring at me as they grow dramatically wrinkly and splotchy before my very eyes.

It is much more awful than that weather forecast I left on so you all can feel sorry for me.

It's not like I think old and wrinkled women are ugly. I think they can be totally hot and beautiful and cool. Last year I met Patti Smith, and she was definitely one of the coolest and hottest woman I ever met, and she's in her 60's, I believe.

And hey, I, too, am growing visibly wrinkled. Maybe not as fast as these unfortunate women in the ads, but I admit it, I spent all kinds of time baking in the sun in my teen years, with special attention paid to my face, which I liked nice and tan. These days, I run without sunscreen. Actually I never wear sunscreen

Oh, God, and it happens over and over again. These poor women can't just be wrinkled and learn to love themselves that way. The pictures make them go back and forth, eternally reverted to youth, only to be made wrinkled and oddly discolored over and over. That I would never learn to accept. What did these poor woman ever do to deserve to be trapped in the circle of hell where this happens repeatedly?

In other consumer complaints, what is up with the new leak proof tampax? Does anybody else have a problem with this new design?

OKAY: Here is my consumer award for the day: Sees chocolate suckers. These things pack tons of chocolately punch, and they last forever. The perfect computer food. When I eat, say, a candy bar at my desk in front of the computer, it lasts maybe a minute, unless it’s M & M’s and I’m really pacing myself. But oh, Sees suckers, you are the pleasant little lift that gets me through my hardest assignments, while preternaturally aging women stare at me, undergoing their bizarre torments.

Word to the wise: If you are actually going to try the suckers, get the box of all chocolate.