Thursday, August 20, 2009

Miss Doreen detects evidence of a cowboy menage in 'Long Hard Ride' by Lorlelei James

Dearest readers, if I have not posted lately, it is only because I have been consumed with the thankless task of searching out and exposing cowboy menages in today's books. If I can save just one woman from laying awake at night, tossing and turning, consumed by visions of cowboy hats, spurs, and hairy thighs tangling around her in a writhing and passionate knot of lovemaking, then it is worth it.

The danger is especially high this week, because it's "Great Western Drive Week" at the blogs of Wendy The Super Librarian , Sybil from The Good The Bad And The Unread, and ringleader Kristie J from Ramblings on Romance . This sounds like good clean fun, but PLEASE be on the lookout for cowboy menages, and if you must, you can report them directly to me.

Carolyn Crane has gone to Pewaukee, Wisconsin to visit family for the weekend, which is all for the best, considering what I have to reveal: I have detected extensive and shocking evidence of cowboy menages--and beyond--in Long Hard Ride by Lorelei James.

It is nearly impossible to describe my emotion upon reading this scandalous tale of heroine Channing Kincaid's descent from participating in a rodeo bar's wet T-shirt contest to the "the horse trailer."

For your inspection: a portion of the blurb:
Channing Kinkaid itches for a change; a wild western adventure with an untamed man. Enter Colby McKay -- bull rider, saddle bronc buster and calf roper. Intrigued by Channing's bold proposition of horsing around on the road, Colby impulsively sweetens the deal; sexual escapades not only in his bed, but in the bedrolls of his rodeo traveling partners, Trevor and Edgard. Although Channing's secretly longed to be the sole focus of more than one man's passions, Colby's demand for complete submission behind closed doors will test her willful nature.

Can Channing give up total control? Especially when not all is as it seems with the sexy trio? Or will the cowboys have to break out the bullropes and piggin' string to break in this headstrong filly?
As you can imagine, after reading this, I was more determined than ever to inspect every last sentence of Long Hard Ride in order to determine the extent of the outrage.

The story starts when Channing sours on her boyfriend Jared. In this scene, he tries desperately to warn her about Colby & his cowpokes:
“Haven’t you seen the way the lasses gather around them? Not that I begrudge the blokes for taking their pick of pussy, but crikey. What they expect those chippies to do with not one, but both of them? At the same time?
Then poor, naive Channing thinks to herself:
What would it feel like, writhing between two hard male bodies? Two sets of rough-skinned hands touching her. Two hot, hungry mouths, kissing, tasting, licking, tormenting every bared inch of her quivering flesh. Two big cocks demanding entrance into her body.

“You listening to me?”

“So, how have you seen them doing…things with one woman?”
Beware young Channing! Try to think of something else! Think of ice cream. The needlepoint hanging in your kitchen...these imaginings are the first step into the depraved world of cowboy menages! Unfortunately, the poor girl breaks up with Jared. She wants to travel with handsome Colby and his friends to Cheyenne. Here, Colby explains the despicable conditions:
Edgard scowled at [Colby]. “We can get any woman, any time we want. Why do we need just one?”

“Because she’s agreed to do whatever we want. And I know you guys have shied away from askin’ some of the fillies warmin’ our beds to do…certain things.”

Edgard glanced away.

“How do we know she ain’t just saying she’ll do it?”

"Good question. I thought we could test her intentions. If she agrees, and if we’re all satisfied, she’ll be goin’ with us today.”“

“All three of us? Right now?” Edgard asked skeptically.

“Yeah, we’ll start with something easy. She’s new at this sort of thing.”

Channing’s blood began to race through her body with anticipation—pounding and throbbing in some places more than others.

"Whatcha got in mind, Colby?” Trevor asked

“Let’s head into the horse trailer and I’ll tell you.”
NOOOO! CHANNNNNNING! Stay out of the horse trailer! For the love of all that is wholesome, STAY OUT OF THE HORSE TRAILER! These cowboys only have one thing on their minds!

She enters, of course. Small consolation that she was accompanied by only two of the three cowboys. There is very little I can relate of the ensuing scene here on this family oriented blog, however:
Channing arched toward Trevor, wanting to concentrate on the exquisite sensations of his talented mouth—her former lovers never paid long, drawn-out attention to her breasts, but Colby elbowed him out of the way.

“On your knees, darlin’.” He put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her to the carpeted floor.

“What about me?” Trevor complained.

Colby caressed Channing’s face with such genuine affection a lump rose in her throat. “You’ll get yours. We’re gonna see how good our girl is at multi-taskin’.”

A wave of heat rolled through her belly. Her thighs were drenched and clenched.“Here’s the plan...
I will let my astute readers imagine for themselves what Colby's so-called plan is. Please know that I studied this section thoroughly, and found six separate acts that could be classified as cowboy menages, and I have also charted them, as well as other acts throughout the book.

Oh, yes, yes, there are rodeos and a mystery plot, but I could barely think about these aspects of the novel, so focused was I on examining the cowboy menages.

In one particularly vivid scene, the trio decides to play an innocent game of blind man's bluff, and manages to pervert even that. They blindfold Channing, and then this:
“Here’s the deal, darlin’. We’re gonna play a little game of blind man’s bluff. You’re gonna try to figure out who’s touchin’ you. If you guess right, you get a reward. If you guess wrong, well, let’s just hope you don’t have to find out."

Channing went absolutely motionless.

“Lay back on the bed and press your arms together above your head. That’s a girl.” Scratchy twine wrapped around her wrists several times. Colby whispered, “It ain’t too tight, mostly it’s to keep your hands out of our way. If you cooperate, we’ll leave them loose. The second you try to touch either of us or those hands move? We’ll fasten you to the bed frame. We clear on that?"
Thanks to you, Lorelei James, I shall never be able to attend child's birthday party where they are playing Blind Man's Bluff without being tormented and assaulted with images of hot, sweaty, writhing cowboys doing unspeakable things to a woman's taut, trembling and awaiting body.

Yet I shall read on. In fact, I have gotten new graphing supplies, and ordered James' entire catalog. Lorelei James, consider yourself warned: I will find and chart each and every cowboy menage act in every one of your books! Readers, you can purchase and inspect this book and others like it for yourself here.


SciFiGuy said...

Carolyn that was VERY wicked. Oh to be a cowboy :) Loved the images. You have a real touch for satire.

Shaymless Aymless said...

Thank Miss Doreen I'll makes sure and avoid this horrifying book. ^_~

Nicola O. said...

Ah, Miss Doreen. It's a hard, hard job you've got, and you are so vigilant. Here's to you!

Unknown said...

I'm delighted to have seen a post from Miss Doreen and although I do not read beyond m/m, I sleep better knowing that somewhere you are fossicking about for cowboy menages.
Thank you, Miss Doreen, it is a fine service you do on our behalf.

Lea said...

Well Miss Doreen:

Once again a visit to "The Thrillionth page", has caused me to choke on my breakfast.

Your forensic analysis of Ms. James' cowboy menage has been extremely enlightening. LOL

Kristie has infected me with the need to read a western romance too however, I don't think my thoughts will be nearly so, um thorough...

Please pass good wishes to CJ, I hope she enjoys a wonderful weekend. :)


Hilcia said...

It must be so painful for Ms. Doreen to do all this research... ;P I really feel for her, but I think I'll join her.

Have this one on my TBR pile... it will join the rest of the L. James books I've already researched *G*

Mandi said...

Thank you for the graph Miss Doreen...I think all blogs should have more graphs.

Miss Doreen said...

SFG: Oh, thanks! Now you stay out of those horse trailers, young man!

Aymless: Beware! LOL

Nicola: If I can save you, it's worth it.

H: Thanks, H! Kind words like yours help me keep going.

Lea: Just be careful what you read, young lady!

Hilcia: BE CAREFUL when you read that book! Maybe you should concentrate only on the rodeo scenes, and leave the rest to me.

Mandi: Thanks!!!

Leslie said...

Miss Doreen - what would we do without your devotion to finding all things ménage? And cowboy ménages at that! I can't thank you enough for pointing out what is going on in Ms. James' novels. And to think I had these on my wish list! I am deeply ashamed. Ashamed that I have not bought these already. LOL Thanks for the link. ;)

Please tell CJ hello and hope she is enjoying herself in Wisconsin. :)

Anonymous said...

yes please to more miss. doreen!!! while i feel your inspectionw as thorough i must admit i am intrigued to take a closer look at these storied myself.

and also, my dirty mind giggled at this, "Channing itches for a change...Enter Colby McKay..." Enter! hehe

Jill Sorenson said...

I'm so glad Miss Doreen is making sure I don't accidentally encounter hot, sweaty, well-endowed cowboys in my erotic reading material. Imagine my shock if I were to stumble upon a scene with, say, three or four of these stallions saddling up a young lady in a barn.

Now I'm going to have to buy this book and make sure Miss D didn't miss anything. So sneaky, these cowboys.

: )

Miss Doreen said...

Leslie: Ashamed you haven't bought then already?!?! Beware, Leslie!

Lusty: Gasp! ENTER have discovered even more depravity!

Jill: You must let me know if you find anything further.

Anonymous said...

Menages, ice cream, horse trailers and needlework...Carolyn, you're the best! You never fail to have me laughing hysterically, lol!!

Joanna Chambers said...

God bless Miss Doreen and all who sail in her! *clasps hands fervently*

(all rise for the national anthem)

Tracy said...

Doreen it's a horrible job but someone has to do it. Thank heavens for you.

Ok - I'm off to the rodeo...uh, I mean church potluck. Yeah, that's what I meant.

Renee said...

My eternal gratitude to you, Miss Doreen. Thank you for saving me from accidentally blundering into a cowboy menage. I will make sure that when I do blunder in, it will be completely on purpose! ;-)

Regards to CJ!

writtenwyrdd said...

Wow! The sacrifices miss Doreen must make for her research!

KT Grant said...

Now imagine if all three had some fun on a horse! What a sight that would be.

Heloise said...

Oh my. What a relief to have Doreen polluting her sensibilities to protect the rest of us (and our so silly literary heroines!) Such self sacrifice.

By far my favorite was the graph of menage activity! LOL

orannia said...

If I can save just one woman from laying awake at night, tossing and turning, consumed by visions of cowboy hats, spurs, and hairy thighs tangling around her in a writhing and passionate knot of lovemaking, then it is worth it.

Attempts desperately not to spill mouthful of water all over keyboard!

And graphing. Miss Doreen - you have gone above and beyond the call of duty...I don't know how to thank you...except perhaps by reading the sequel...for research purposes of course *grin*

Miss Doreen said...

Oh, thank you everybody for your kind words! Seeing the eager responses of all of you make it worth it.

woolydaisy said...

gawd you crack me! the graph charting! you are the Kinsey of erotica literature! hope you had fun in wis.!